Since starting an MA in Creative Writing
last September, I’ve felt, week-by-week, much calmer and, dare I say it, more sane
than I have in a long time. Personal
woes aside (minimum wage job, debt, home falling to bits, loneliness, etc), over
the last few years, I have felt an acute deepening of my existential angst and
an ire in my misanthropy that was beginning to make me ill(er).
I have mental health issues as it stands
but this was something else. I felt
permanently irate and more worried, sad, weepy, anxious and… suicidal… than I
had in years. AT and ABOUT everything
and everyone. Had the happy prescription
pills stopped working?
A holiday to France in September, just
before beginning university, woke me up to some of what was going on, though I
already had my suspicions. A break away
from my life helped me notice a few things and one of them was that I’d become
Brexit weary. I had Brexitisis, was Brexitphobic.
As a passionate Remainer in the Brexit
debacle, I realised I’d spent about three years concentrating on Brexit, debating
Brexit, reading about Brexit, listening to friend’s rant about Brexit, arguing
with strangers on Social Media over Brexit, watching rolling news and generally
being weighed down by Brexit, Brexit, Brexit.
I’d felt I had to be involved. It
felt, IT IS, important.
I over invested.
As soon as I met up with certain friends
for fun they’d be straight into it, had I seen the news, what about this speech,
the legalities, how the BBC is now left-biased, how the BBC is now right-biased,
how people are SO STUPID, on and on and on.
I was worn out by it all. I’d
spent years of my life being frustrated and focusing my brain and my energy on
something I hate. I hated Brexit back
then and I hate it now (for very different reasons). Of course, I STILL hate that we were lied to,
that Cameron’s ‘advisory’ referendum is now constantly referred to as the Will
of the People (when only about a third of the populace voted for it) and by a
woman who vigorously campaigned for Remain.
I STILL hate that poor people have been conned by the über rich into
thinking they’re men of people. I hate it
all. The lies, the hypocrisy, the decimation
of our democracy but more than all of that… I hate what it’s done to US. I saw it happening in myself and I see it
still happening to friends. An
insidious, angry, all-consuming arrogance that WE are right and everyone else is just stupid, not just of a different opinion, STUPID, no matter what side of the
debate we’re on. I’ve seen sides to
people I’ve know for years that are incongruous with who I thought they were at
their core. Brexit lifted veils I wish
it hadn’t. As the shroud slowly rose we saw
the racist underbelly of our nation crawl out from its hideout. The rise of the alt-right, suddenly given
oxygen by the hateful nationalist rhetoric and isolationist propaganda vomited
out by The Daily Mail and it’s siblings.
Conversely, another lifted veil showed usually rational, calm, progressive,
kind people as frothing-at-the-mouth, opinionated, prejudice-spewing, fiends, as
uncomfortable to be around as the xenophobes.
I have two friends, a Remainer and
a Brexiteer. Both insist they’re never
watching the BBC again (except for the good drama’s, of course). Both claim that its news reporting is biased,
one to the right and the other to the left (you guess which thinks what). All I, in all humility, can surmise from this
is that both are so blinded and blinkered by their own beliefs (a symptom of
Brexitisis) that they can’t see straight and that the Beeb must indeed be reasonably
balanced. How can two people claim it promotes an opposing
bias? I’m sure, having gawped at BBC
rolling news for the best part of three years (since Brexit and Trump started rearing
their terrifying heads) that the BBC does its best in what we all know are the
most confusing and complex times in generations. I haven’t had my opinions changed by its apparent
bias, either way. Yes, irrelevant Farage
is interviewed a lot considering he’s no longer leader of any party but there are
often Remainers on too. The Papers and Dateline London, I find, are two particularly well-balanced slots. And, anybody with reasonable intellect can
tell which BBC presenters lean which way and, like those who bothered to vote
in the referendum, about half ooze a Remain bent and the other half a Brexiteer
slant. I suppose, if you’re furiously staunch
in your opinion, you might notice the ‘enemy’ more than the ‘ally’.
Anyway, to the MA. Having had something other than Brexit on
which to focus my brain, I feel so much better.
I don't miss obsessively watching the rolling news, scrolling through Social Media, or hearing the everyone-is-stupid-except-me attitude I'd started
noticing in myself and my friends. I'm now focused on something I really love
rather than something I hate and, am healthier for it. I’m not ignoring Brexit, I still sometimes
watch the news, retweet the odd Brexit related item and sign the occasional
petition but I’m not obsessing. I’ve
come off Facebook completely and have had a break from friendships that were
affecting my mood and personhood adversely.
I’ve read more books and done more writing than I have in YEARS and, it’s
paid off. I got my first grade back last
month, 75%. I was hoping for anything
above 60% so was over-the-moon.
Sometimes, important things overshadow
the REALLY important things like, mental health, peace of mind, personal growth
and friendships.
Brexit has already broken so much of my
country and will probably rupture the fabric of what we, the UK, are even more
in the coming years. However, I won’t
let it break me. Not anymore.